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Saturday, November 6, 2010

How To Feel and Look Rich and Glamorous

Fact: Rich people wear expensive, shiny, sparkly jewelry.
Compromise: You can wear cheap, expensive-looking, shiny, sparkly jewelry. How? This is how:

Step 1: Get some sort of wire, chain, or water-resistant string. Tie it any way you like.
Step 2: Dip it into water. It should look something like this:
Step 3: Hang it up in the freezer as quickly as possible. Wait.
Step 4: Remove from freezer.
Step 5: Wear*
Step 6: Look fabulous
*Wear only in temperatures below freezing

Fact: Rich people like to wear high-priced fur-lined clothing
Compromise: You can make your own fur-lined clothing for free

Step 1: Get house pet (must have fur)
Step 2: Either shave and collect animal furs, collect furs that have been shed, or kill and skin pet (however, it is advised that you do not do this)
Step 3: Glue furs onto favorite coats, scarves, or jackets
Step 4: Wear
Step 5: Look fabulous. 

Fact: Rich people often mock those who are poorer than them
Compromise: Pretend to be rich by mocking those who are poorer than you, even if by only a few cents

Step 1: Throw a party
Step 2: Invite only people who have less money than you
Step 3: Somehow turn the conversation towards money and how much everyone has (but be smooth about it)
Step 4: Rub your richerness in everyone's faces and mock them for being poorer than you
Step 5: Look fabulous

Fact: Rich people often eat fancy seafood such as sushi and caviar
Compromise: Have these delicious fancy fish dishes for free (or at least relatively cheap)

Step 1: Own an aquarium with sushi-type fish (and some that are pregnant)
Step 2: Find out how to make sticky rice
Step 3: Kill fish (spare the pregnant ones - they shall provide the caviar)
Step 4: Make sushi out of fish meat, sticky rice, and aquarium plants. For a delicious caviar side-dish, collect the eggs of the pregnant fish
Step 5: Look fabulous

And finally, the best way to be rich and glamorous... 
....Is to rob a bank. 
The cost is free, if you get away with it.
Also, you'll look fabulous.

1 comment:

  1. I fear for Daisy, Smoky, Sweetypie, Panther, Omie, and Fishy.

    ReplyDelete