Some of you are probably wondering what weapons would be best to have handy should we ever be invaded by mindless, sadistic zombies. Well, wonder no more, my fellow potential survivors! I, your ungodly savior, have brought forth the answer. Let us begin...
Underwear
Underwear is always wonderful, no matter what. It can be used for many purposes, such as blinding one's opponent, suffocating them with the elastic waistbands, or stuffing it down their throats. I'm fairly sure that there are more possibilities than the ones I have provided, but I don't have the time to list them all.
Hangers
As my 8th grade buddies may recall, I have a strange attraction to using hangers as weapons. Perhaps because they are not immediately affective, but rather drag the death out to be both slow and painful... ....I just remembered that we're talking about zombies and they are already dead and cannot feel pain but... Whatever. Who's "we"? .....Let's get back on subject. So yeah. Hangers impale things.
(That was possibly the worst-drawn comic ever. I don't know why I suddenly went bald. Maybe I got cancer.)
Bazooka
I don't need to explain this one. Plus I'm too lazy to.
Onions
Remember that one post wear I said that the juice of onions is the toxic blood of Lucifer's hermaphrodite reproductive organs? Well, it's also acid. And poison. Like, poisonous acid. Acid = burning. Burning = bad. Or good, if it is the zombies that are burning. This makes onions wonderful, but only when they are used to defend yourself from the undead.
Old People
Old people have such high moral fibre and so much faith that they can make zombies explode using their overpowering belief in God. Seriously, old people are unstoppable.
Love
Love is the most over-whelming, all powerful weapon known to man, right up there with hate. And we all know that if zombies were to have an emotion, it would most definitely be hate, and therefore the most affective attack against them would be to love them. However, this could also result in heartbreak and your own demise. Use only as a last resort.
Flaming Ninjas
Actually, come to think of it, flaming ninjas would make horrible weapons, as they would probably die of suffocation and/or burning before they can even kick the zombies in the face. And that would be, like, really lame.
Dragon Spine
Self-explanatory.
Spine Fork
Spine Fork makes an excellent weapon, as it is easily accessible, easy to use, and can stab the eyes out of anything. Also, it can be used for eating! Since I came up with it, I should totally copyright Spine Fork, shouldn't I?
I bet you guys are totally turned on by that shot of my curvaceous back, huh? Yeah, I know. It's damn sexy. I'm TOTALLY that curvy (sarcasm).
So anyway, there you have it. And when you all survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you have me to thank. You guys should totally throw a huge survivors' party in my honor, and give me lots of money and champagne. Oh, and hookers. Because all rich and famous people have hookers, right? Totally.
I would really appreciate it.
Underwear
Underwear is always wonderful, no matter what. It can be used for many purposes, such as blinding one's opponent, suffocating them with the elastic waistbands, or stuffing it down their throats. I'm fairly sure that there are more possibilities than the ones I have provided, but I don't have the time to list them all.
As my 8th grade buddies may recall, I have a strange attraction to using hangers as weapons. Perhaps because they are not immediately affective, but rather drag the death out to be both slow and painful... ....I just remembered that we're talking about zombies and they are already dead and cannot feel pain but... Whatever. Who's "we"? .....Let's get back on subject. So yeah. Hangers impale things.
Bazooka
I don't need to explain this one. Plus I'm too lazy to.
Onions
Remember that one post wear I said that the juice of onions is the toxic blood of Lucifer's hermaphrodite reproductive organs? Well, it's also acid. And poison. Like, poisonous acid. Acid = burning. Burning = bad. Or good, if it is the zombies that are burning. This makes onions wonderful, but only when they are used to defend yourself from the undead.
Old people have such high moral fibre and so much faith that they can make zombies explode using their overpowering belief in God. Seriously, old people are unstoppable.
Love is the most over-whelming, all powerful weapon known to man, right up there with hate. And we all know that if zombies were to have an emotion, it would most definitely be hate, and therefore the most affective attack against them would be to love them. However, this could also result in heartbreak and your own demise. Use only as a last resort.
Flaming Ninjas
Actually, come to think of it, flaming ninjas would make horrible weapons, as they would probably die of suffocation and/or burning before they can even kick the zombies in the face. And that would be, like, really lame.
Dragon Spine
Self-explanatory.
Spine Fork makes an excellent weapon, as it is easily accessible, easy to use, and can stab the eyes out of anything. Also, it can be used for eating! Since I came up with it, I should totally copyright Spine Fork, shouldn't I?
So anyway, there you have it. And when you all survive the Zombie Apocalypse, you have me to thank. You guys should totally throw a huge survivors' party in my honor, and give me lots of money and champagne. Oh, and hookers. Because all rich and famous people have hookers, right? Totally.
I would really appreciate it.
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