I am so tired of being afraid all the time. I'm always afraid of making Anna mad and getting in trouble and upsetting my friends and being judged by strangers and getting ugly and dying before I can even live and not being smart enough or cute enough or funny enough or skinny enough and having to hide my thoughts from some people for fear they'll get mad at me and getting dumped because Grant finally realized I'm a crazy, paranoid, freak and he could be doing better things with his time.
I'm afraid of getting a job because I'm afraid that I'll be too socially awkward to interact with other people there or I'll have to do things I'm not good at and I'll humiliate myself publicly and probably get fired. I'm afraid of doing new things because I'm afraid I won't be naturally good at them on the first try and I'll be too embarrassed to ever try it again. I'm afraid to learn how to dance because even though I'd like to, I'm afraid I'd look like a fool if I ever got around to it and I wouldn't be able to laugh at myself because I already looked so stupid.
I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and stop loving people who I love today because even though I know I love someone, I don't always feel it those warm fuzzies. And when I do start feeling them again, I'm afraid that it's just hormones or the song I'm listening to or the movie I'm watching and the feelings are fake and I don't actually love anyone. I'm afraid to ever do anything with anyone like make out or have sex because I'm afraid I'll be really bad at it or if I'm good at it, then the person I'm with at the time will only want me for that and they won't really love me. I'm even afraid to admit that last one.
I'm afraid that I'll become remarkably insignificant to all the people I want to be significant to and annoyingly significant to all the people I want to leave me the hell alone. Actually, I'm afraid that that seems to be more or less true now.
I'm afraid that all the smart people I know will realize that I'm actually pretty dumb compared to them and that I'm not worth their wasted time anymore. I'm afraid that if I ever do become smart, I'll become pretentious and no one will like me anyway. I'm afraid to share my philosophies and views of life with people because I'm afraid I won't be able to express myself thoroughly and/or they won't understand me and/or they'll think I'm annoying and/or dumb or I'll start rambling because I tend to do that and they'll get bored and stop listening to me. I'm afraid to have intellectual or religious or political conversations with anyone because I'm afraid I won't know enough to make any points and I'll seem like some poser idiot who's trying too hard and I won't learn anything from the conversation even if that is the case.
I'm afraid that the people I tell all my problems to will start to find me whiny and not want to talk to me anymore because I'm a downer and I complain too much. And if that doesn't happen I'm afraid they'll think I worry about weird things and then think I'm weird and not want to talk to me anymore. And if that doesn't happen I'm afraid they'll just give me cliche crappy advice or try to compliment me until I feel better even though that usually doesn't even work and all I really want is just for someone to listen to me and let me know they're listening. I'm afraid that no one will understand what that even means and that I'll always be completely dissatisfied whenever I talk about my problems. I'm afraid that I'm forever doomed to forget my problems until I'm left alone and I'll never get what I need most when I talk about my problems, which is a hug. I'm afraid that if I do get a chance to talk about my problems and then receive a hug, the person will go away afterwards and ignore me until I get better, even though I usually get better if I'm given lots of attention until the problem doesn't bother me or I figure out a solution. I'm afraid that if I do get the right amount of attention, when I finally feel better, the person will leave me so suddenly that I feel slightly abandoned and then I'll be upset again.
I'm afraid I'll never be the girlfriend Grant probably wants because I'm too nervous and shy and I'm not funny or smart enough and I don't always understand him and sometimes I overreact and I'm too complicated and I'm not light-hearted enough and I sometimes get a little upset when he pays more attention to his friends than me. I'm afraid that if I ever speak up about that sort of thing, he'll suddenly start paying a lot more attention to me and I'll still be unhappy because I'll feel like he's unhappy and his friends are unhappy or he'll be too clingy and his friends will still be unhappy and they'll probably hate me. I'm sometimes afraid that he doesn't really think our relationship is much more than a high school fling and that he'll think I'm creepy and clingy if I start hoping for some sort of future which I haven't even considered doing because I'm too afraid to. I'm afraid that he'll read that last sentence and will think that I want to marry him or something even though I don't even think that far into the future because thinking of marriage is too weird and thinking of breaking up is too depressing. I'm also a little afraid he'll be somewhat insulted because I don't like thinking of marriage cause it's too weird. But only a little afraid.
And last but not least, I'm afraid that no one will really read this post because it's too long and depressing and boring.
Or that everyone will read it but they'll all think I'm weird and start avoiding me.
I'm afraid of getting a job because I'm afraid that I'll be too socially awkward to interact with other people there or I'll have to do things I'm not good at and I'll humiliate myself publicly and probably get fired. I'm afraid of doing new things because I'm afraid I won't be naturally good at them on the first try and I'll be too embarrassed to ever try it again. I'm afraid to learn how to dance because even though I'd like to, I'm afraid I'd look like a fool if I ever got around to it and I wouldn't be able to laugh at myself because I already looked so stupid.
I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and stop loving people who I love today because even though I know I love someone, I don't always feel it those warm fuzzies. And when I do start feeling them again, I'm afraid that it's just hormones or the song I'm listening to or the movie I'm watching and the feelings are fake and I don't actually love anyone. I'm afraid to ever do anything with anyone like make out or have sex because I'm afraid I'll be really bad at it or if I'm good at it, then the person I'm with at the time will only want me for that and they won't really love me. I'm even afraid to admit that last one.
I'm afraid that I'll become remarkably insignificant to all the people I want to be significant to and annoyingly significant to all the people I want to leave me the hell alone. Actually, I'm afraid that that seems to be more or less true now.
I'm afraid that all the smart people I know will realize that I'm actually pretty dumb compared to them and that I'm not worth their wasted time anymore. I'm afraid that if I ever do become smart, I'll become pretentious and no one will like me anyway. I'm afraid to share my philosophies and views of life with people because I'm afraid I won't be able to express myself thoroughly and/or they won't understand me and/or they'll think I'm annoying and/or dumb or I'll start rambling because I tend to do that and they'll get bored and stop listening to me. I'm afraid to have intellectual or religious or political conversations with anyone because I'm afraid I won't know enough to make any points and I'll seem like some poser idiot who's trying too hard and I won't learn anything from the conversation even if that is the case.
I'm afraid that the people I tell all my problems to will start to find me whiny and not want to talk to me anymore because I'm a downer and I complain too much. And if that doesn't happen I'm afraid they'll think I worry about weird things and then think I'm weird and not want to talk to me anymore. And if that doesn't happen I'm afraid they'll just give me cliche crappy advice or try to compliment me until I feel better even though that usually doesn't even work and all I really want is just for someone to listen to me and let me know they're listening. I'm afraid that no one will understand what that even means and that I'll always be completely dissatisfied whenever I talk about my problems. I'm afraid that I'm forever doomed to forget my problems until I'm left alone and I'll never get what I need most when I talk about my problems, which is a hug. I'm afraid that if I do get a chance to talk about my problems and then receive a hug, the person will go away afterwards and ignore me until I get better, even though I usually get better if I'm given lots of attention until the problem doesn't bother me or I figure out a solution. I'm afraid that if I do get the right amount of attention, when I finally feel better, the person will leave me so suddenly that I feel slightly abandoned and then I'll be upset again.
I'm afraid I'll never be the girlfriend Grant probably wants because I'm too nervous and shy and I'm not funny or smart enough and I don't always understand him and sometimes I overreact and I'm too complicated and I'm not light-hearted enough and I sometimes get a little upset when he pays more attention to his friends than me. I'm afraid that if I ever speak up about that sort of thing, he'll suddenly start paying a lot more attention to me and I'll still be unhappy because I'll feel like he's unhappy and his friends are unhappy or he'll be too clingy and his friends will still be unhappy and they'll probably hate me. I'm sometimes afraid that he doesn't really think our relationship is much more than a high school fling and that he'll think I'm creepy and clingy if I start hoping for some sort of future which I haven't even considered doing because I'm too afraid to. I'm afraid that he'll read that last sentence and will think that I want to marry him or something even though I don't even think that far into the future because thinking of marriage is too weird and thinking of breaking up is too depressing. I'm also a little afraid he'll be somewhat insulted because I don't like thinking of marriage cause it's too weird. But only a little afraid.
And last but not least, I'm afraid that no one will really read this post because it's too long and depressing and boring.
Or that everyone will read it but they'll all think I'm weird and start avoiding me.
Izzy...I know life is hard, that it is hard to come out and say something toward people. I don't know whether you care about my word for things or even care that I try to feel significant for others, especially the ones I know. I don't know whether you care about what I say about this. But what I'm trying to say is:
ReplyDeletePeople do care about you, Grant and your friends/family care about you. It doesn't hurt once in a while (Hell! It feels good!), to share out your feelings and emotion toward others. Even if you're a bit apprehensive or worried about what's the reaction of the other person(s). It shows that you have trust in your friends and shit like that!
Again, I feel like a downer, once in a while...But I try to share what's on mind or what I'm feeling, thinking it would make me feel better about myself.
Here's a little quote that I look at, sometimes, to feel alittle more help toward life <:D
ReplyDelete"May we never let the things we can’t have, or don’t have, or shouldn’t have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness, let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have." - Richard L. Evans